Monday, August 8, 2011

This little piggie

Tomas is admitted to the hospital again, but for something beyond anything he has ever dealt with before. Intense attacks of abdominal pain. After 2 ambulance rides, 2 ERs, and 30 hours he was finally moved up to a room and allowed to rest.
His toes are still this morning. He is sleeping and his toes are as still and peaceful as the rest of him. I prayed for quiet toes many times over the last 2 days. Just recalling the vision of him in pain makes my throat shut, my heart race, and my breaths come with effort. Watching was unbearable. It happened 3 times, each one worse than the last, and longer than the last, requiring more morphine than the last. He would roll to his side and bend his body like a tight "V", rigid and trembling with pain. No crying, just a grunting moan, his hands clasped tightly together and his eyes shut. His eyes were not shut tight which I find comfort in. I pray it means he wasn't there, that he escaped, that while his body raged his soul was safe in the extracorporeal world of The One who loves him more.
While I laid my head next to his back and rubbed his tremoring body and waited for the morphine to work I  found myself staring intently at his toes. His feet would shake and his toes would spasm independently, his whole body was in pain, and I realized that Our Lady must have seen Jesus' toes like this too. That she watched his toes spasm, and I couldn't decide what was the greater burden; the dying for the sins of the world, or the watching of your son's toes dying for the sins of the world. To not turn away, not collapse, but to watch and smile gently when your child's eyes met yours in pain; to have that vision burned in front of your own eyes forever is a burden most heavy and enigmatic. Somehow, this great weight strengthens me. It is so heavy there is no room for the petty things, it is so rough it scrapes the meanness and harshness away. It is The Burden of Perspective and it is what the Lord meant. Only through Him can the yoke be tightened and still feel easy, and only through Him can the burden be loaded and still feel light.
Today doctors will round, and tests will be run, and plans will be made. Tomas is on complete gut rest so with any luck the only thing his toes will be doing are eating roast beef and going to market.


  1. Love you Tomas! Hang in there sweet buddy!

  2. Dorothy, your faith is truly inspiring to me. I've always considered myself a Christian but my faith has not been tested like yours has with Tomas. I'll keep praying not only for Tomas but for your whole family - Love and miss you guys - April Ruppert

  3. Hugs from az. David is in surgery. Had to check on Tomas. Hope you get a plan. Sorry he has been in such pain.

  4. Oh little Tomas, the medical mysteries. So sorry. Praying you find some answers.