Friday, May 7, 2010

The scent of Jasmine

Since this blog is my therapy, my place of refuge, where my thoughts run free, I sure hope this works.

When we were leaving the hospital last week a thought hit me. The day was gorgeous, sunny,warm and a soft breeze that carried the sweet fragrance of a wall of blooming jasmine with it. My husband parked next to the jasmine and as we walked to the car I really noticed the beauty of the day. I buckled Tomas in and as I stood in the space between his car seat and the door, it hit me - He's fixed! Completely fixed! Since he was about 7 months old this surgery has been looming. The magnitude of it grew with every additional procedure they wanted to do at the same time. For months it has been in the back of our minds, and we would talk wistfully of the way things would be "after the surgery". As the time drew nearer the fear came closer and I spent the last several months in a relatively constant state of prayer, that I might be made strong enough to walk through the fire one more time. But here we were, on the other side, and with a surgery that went better than our wildest hopes.

I'm not sure I can successfully describe the elation of that moment. It was a lightness, a brighter, warmer, more fragrant day than it was just ten seconds before., and I drank it in. We drove home in a peaceful, restful silence, and it was lovely. Tomas' recovery continued to amaze everyone. He was sitting up after the 4th day and by Tuesday he was playful and happy and just his regular cute self.

Wednesday morning I was changing his diaper and I noticed a hard lump next to his lower incision. By the afternoon it had double in size so I called the surgeon's office. They didn't call back and on Thursday morning it was really hard, much larger than it had been, and was warm to the touch, so I called again. He was acting completely normal I must add. The nurse called back later in the morning and asked me a few questions, said she would page the doctor and get back to me. I was afraid he might have torn a stitch on the inside. She called me at 3:12 and said the doctor wanted to see Tomas, could I be there by 3:45. I couldn't as we live an hour away, so she said could I have the pedi look at it and then call the surgeon. So I called the pediatrician and off we went. After a phone conference between the two of them the surgeon thinks it is a hernia opening up again. There is also a hernia opening up below his belly button and the two are trying really hard to connect. I was so downhearted yesterday. No more fixed baby, no more nothing else waiting to get done, no more fragrant jasmine.

So, I re-adjust again, now there is one more surgery, somewhere down the line. I got a lovely email from a friend (thank you friend!) after a Crowning of Mary ceremony this morning reminding me to keep my chin up. The thing is I do, even if I don't always look it. I am so blessed to have this path. My eyes have been opened to miraculous things and wondrous people. I have moments where the sadness of what my baby has to go through yet again weighs heavy on my heart, but that is not the norm. He is such joy, and his smile touches everyone, that I can't help but smile with him.

8 comments:

  1. Dorathy,

    You have my prayers. I felt the same way after Keeghans first heart procedure only to find out days later about the leak. Then 6 years of waiting. Now 4 days more... Hold on to that moment it will come again dear friend. God sends the jasmine every spring it's just the long winter wait that makes it sweeter. I hold you up in prayer I know you will do the same for me. Our house phone is out of order, the USPS messed up my mail hold, hail damaged the roof.... So if you call use my cell 864-384-8314. We leave Sunday am. I do however think spring should have lasted at least several months! I will formally file my protest! :)

    Jen

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  2. Exactly. Our babies keep smiling. They don't remember the surgeries as much as they remember the good times!!

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  3. Just have to take it step by step and day by day. We have the moments where we can smell the flowers and then the other days. Yes it is hard some days. Not that I don't love my little one. I could never imagine my life without him, however there are some days I wish that I could just skip that procedure. But hey you know what...if it helps then we gotta go for it Right? Do they say anything that can be done at a preventative measure against it happening? Big hugs to you!

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  4. He will get there, Dorathy.
    And so will the mail, sure to bring a smile...

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  5. Sending love and prayers and knowing,all too well,what you are feeling.You boy is so strong and he will continue to help you find your way!Are they not so much stronger than you and I?

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  6. One of his Easter pictures is my wallpaper at work. Even when I'm down there is no way I can look at that smiling little face and not smile! I think every time he smiles for a moment we forget everything he has been through and will go through.

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  7. Sitting in PICU waiting room, before even getting the chance to see my baby post-op, I knew, for how sick she was at the moment, it was the healthiest she had been since her birth and I couldn't stop crying tears of joy. The craziness of it all. Tomas is now healthier than he has been since birth. What a ride!

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  8. he will get there. one day you will walk out of the hospital and he will be perfect....well more perfect ;) and you will be done with surgeries. in a couple years when he is running around driving you crazy, these days will be distant memory of a time that challenged and strengthened all of you. you guys are in our prayers as always.

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