Saturday, October 16, 2010

God and Tomas, part five

The call came from the geneticist on a Thursday afternoon while I was folding socks. She got right to the point and told me the amnio was positive. She asked if I was going to be ok, I told her I would be fine. She agreed with me, we had met before and she knew I meant it.  I would be fine.
 My husband was a different story. I have debated so much about whether to type this all out, but finally I decided that if I was going to tell the story of my son, than this was part of it.
That afternoon I was a wreck, because I had to tell him, and I knew he would grieve, and I knew it was all because of me wanting a third child. The guilt was incredible, so very, very heavy. I loved the baby and would not turn back the clock for anything, despite what was coming our way. I wanted this baby, not any other one, this little one that needed me more than any previous child. But I also love my husband dearly, and the thought of the pain I was causing him tore my soul in two. You see? I had chosen. My loyalty lay with my son, and I would not betray him, even to commiserate with my husband. I could not feel what he would feel and the thought of us being so very far apart on this devastated me.
I called a friend in tears, because I just dreaded telling him. And God was with me again. She told me the most amazing thing, she told me all the fear and apprehension I was feeling was from the devil, and I was letting him win. She told me God would continue to work wonders on our family and to keep my trust in Him. This was not a friend with whom I ever really discussed religion, not for any particular reason, it just wasn't part of our relationship. For her to snap me back to place like that was nothing short of the Holy Spirit working through her. I hung up, composed and ready to face what was coming.
My husband came home from a business trip that evening, and during our welcome home hug, I whispered "the baby does have DS". His shoulders collapsed in my arms, he stayed there a few seconds longer and then walked away. I went to make dinner, having chosen my path, and only prayed he would soon choose to walk it with me. That night was awful. He raged and he grieved, and I sat there. Completely in love with the little one inside me and therefor unable to share in anything he was going through. I felt our marriage bonds fraying, felt the ties that bind falling away. And I could do nothing to grab them and hold them tight, because I had chosen. I was on the other side, and I could only watch, and wait, and pray.

1 comment:

  1. Now you're hitting close to home and inspiring a post of my own. need the hubby's thumbs up first.
    Waiting for the next part!!