Tuesday, September 21, 2010

You spin me round round baby, round round...

I know,I just dated myself with the title of this post but I do feel like I am in a never ending circle these days.
Tomas has bronchitis again, the croup again, needs extra breathing treatments again, extra vest sessions again, and more antibiotics again. He was well for 3 days. This is his 4th go round in 3 months.
His pulminologist is afraid he is becoming resistant to his normal antibiotics so we are using 2 this time and staying on for a double course. Hopefully, that will knock out whatever he has growing in there.
He has a hem/onc appt this week and THE immunology appt. on Monday. I can't wait, as I am certain that his immune system (or lack thereof) is the reason he is sick so often. On Tuesday he goes back to pulm and on Wed. my family is leaving for FL. I know it sounds crazy right? Well, maybe the veil of germ protection that covered us for a week in San Antonio will also work in FL. One can hope.
I am struggling to keep up these days. With Tomas sick and Olivia having her asthma attack I got way behind. I am still trying to catch up but now he is sick again. I need a maid.
There was a time when I could do it all, everything that was required of me, but it is not so anymore. I now pick and choose household duties, activities, etc... based on what has been neglected the longest. I was once asked what the best thing about having a special needs child was. It is an easy answer, just one word. PERSPECTIVE.
So much has fallen away over these last 20 months. Some I gave up willingly, some were a painful departure. All of that lightening, of knowing what is really important and what isn't, is a gift from God brought through Tomas to me. I have often been told that Tomas is lucky that I am his mother and that God gave me Tomas because He knew I could handle it.
I don't think so. I most definitely know that Tomas is not lucky. I dare anyone to say they would do any less than what I do for him. He is my son and I do exactly what is expected of me, I deserve no extra credit from anyone for caring for him. I do not think I "handle it" any better than anyone else who has a challenging child placed before them. I do think though, that God knew I needed Tomas. That having Tomas would bring great change to my life and the lives of those closest to me.And that with that change comes the great decision. Do I try to stay in control or do I give it all over to God? I doubt very much whether I would have surrendered all if Tomas were not here.
 My life was happy, content, and peaceful before he arrived. I did not NEED to give over anything to God. That is why I say I needed Tomas. The trials and sorrows that come from caring for a medically fragile child are a tremendous weight, one that I realized early on would crush me into nonrecognition if I tried to shoulder it myself. I knew for the health of my family I had to let it go. When I stopped worrying (do not misunderstand me. I still worry, I do not WORRY) a great freedom filled me. I am now free to love completely, free to live completely, free to laugh and find joy in the smallest of things.

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